


the lies we tell ourselves (are not always what we think)

by last_holistic_renegade



Category: Wooden Overcoats (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Character, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon Asexual Character, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sort of? - Freeform, We Die Like Men, and eric is willing to give it, but if you're triggered by any situation like that, i guess is more a word of god situation but well, it's what we have, not beta'ed, please stop reading immediately, rudyard deserves some love, the sex here isn't really described
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_holistic_renegade/pseuds/last_holistic_renegade
Summary: He looks at you with those eyes, and you feel wrong, dirty, broken. But then the light turns back on, and you see the shadows were nothing but a trick of your mind.
Relationships: Eric Chapman/Rudyard Funn
Comments: 12
Kudos: 71





	the lies we tell ourselves (are not always what we think)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!! So, this is a pretty indulgent fic I wrote when I felt kinda meh about my sexuality but if this is your cup of tea, enjoy!
> 
> However, if you're triggered by mentions of rape, or allusions to it, or even the mere idea of dub-con sex, I urge you to stop reading right now. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
> 
> That being said, hope you like it!

The amber light of the morning sun filtered through the blinders, falling on top of the mess of forgotten pillows scattered on the floor. There was silence on the room, or as much silence as there can be with two men sound asleep. Rudyard’s eyes fluttered open once he felt movement around him. After all, he’d never been a heavy sleeper. As soon as he was awake, he saw the other person lying beside him. Eric Chapman’s smile greeted him back, just as spotless as his perfect golden hair. Like every time he woke up to that view, Rudyard wanted to laugh at how much his past-self would’ve hated that scenario.

“Morning, love,” Eric said from where his head rested on Rudyard’s chest.

“What time is it?” he returned, stretching his arms over Eric’s head.

Chapman turned, not a hair daring to move from its place, to glance at the digital clock.

“Barely 10 am.”

“Wake me up in two hours,” he murmured, turning around and pushing the cover up to his neck. But the sound of Eric’s musical laugh stopped him from going beyond closing his eyes.

“Oh, c’mon! It’s a beautiful morning, we should take advantage of that.”

Rudyard had to bite down a smile when he felt Eric kissing his cheek. Their relationship was still fairly new —a short span of five months— but Rudyard had known from the moment he’d accepted a date with his supposed enemy that Chapman was a sucker for physical affection.

“I won’t give in, Eric,” he said, but didn’t do any effort to stop him either. Chapman snorted, probably reading the truth under his words.

“As you say.”

In spite of the agreement, Eric continued his trail of kisses until his lips landed on Rudyard’s mouth. With fake reluctance —although still happy to oblige— Rudyard returned the sloppy gesture. The sleeve of Eric’s silk PJs brushed Rudyard’s exposed arms as the golden boy from Piffling Vale lifted a hand to cup his cheek. Rudyard still wondered how could Eric’s breath taste like mint after just waking up when he lost contact with Chapman’s lips at all. Dumbfounded, he opened his eyes, just in time to feel this boyfriend’s lips plant a kiss on his neck. Something prickled uncomfortably wherever Eric kissed him, and his whole body began to tense.

“Uh, Chapman?”

“Yeah?” the other said, his mouth still pressed to Rudyard’s skin.

“I don’t think-” he quite jumped when Eric grabbed him by the wrists, “I don’t think I want to do this.”

“Why not?”

Eric had stopped kissing him, fortunately. But now he was frowning at him so confused that his look alone created a lump in Rudyard’s throat.

“Because… I, uh…”

“Hey, it’s totally fine.” Chapman used his free hand to lace it with Rudyard’s, fingers stroking its back in circles. “Every normal couple has to reach this point eventually, don’t they?”

“Well, I suppose-”

“And we’re a normal couple,” he continued, slowly raising Rudyard’s hands above his head, “so we have to do it.”

“I believe ‘normal’ is a strong wor— hey!”

He felt a tug at his wrists. Upon looking up Rudyard discovered Chapman had tied him to the bed frame with his own tie. Did he really bring it to Eric’s?

“Chapman! What did you-?”

“You worry too much,” Eric silenced him with a kiss, but it didn’t feel nearly as good as the others. Even the pair of perfect blue eyes looked different; shallow, filled with a darkness that shook him to the core. “Just let me do my work and you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

Rudyard’s muscles begged him to run as Chapman’s hands travelled down his body. He pulled at his arms, but they were tightly secured with a perfect knot. And Eric still looked at him with an expression that didn’t promise anything good.

“Just lay back and enjoy yourself,” he said, and it sounded almost sinister. Rudyard tried to look away when he felt a pair of lips kissing the skin above the rim of his ratty trousers. “Oh Rudyard… Rudyard… Rudyard…”

“ _Rudyard, wake up!_ ”

He jolted himself awake, sitting on the bed if only to reassure himself he could. He was trembling. His hands quivered as he massaged where the presumed tie had been.

So it had been a nightmare. He realised it quite quickly, one could say, thanks to the pre-existing proof. For starters, there was no sunlight coming through the windows. No, the night was still heavily present, setting the room into darkness and shadows that danced around the weak beams of moonlight. Secondly, he had clearly not been tied to any bed. That made more sense now that he could think clearly, he hadn’t brought his tie the day before, and Eric’s bed didn’t even have a frame. Which led him to proof number three…

“God, I’m not gonna lie, you scared me for a second.”

Eric’s voice was back to normal. It lacked any of the scary undertones that had startled Rudyard on the dream, and —albeit preoccupied, he thought guiltily— it sounded like the voice he was used to. Even his looks differed from those of dream-Eric. The silk PJs had been replaced with a stained grey t-shirt and some sweat pants, his bed head pointing in different directions- And his bright, very blue eyes, were still small with the last bits of sleep.

He was safe…

“Oh,” Eric observed, reaching a hand towards Rudyard’s, “you’re shaking.”

But Rudyard moved to avoid being touched, his body already contracting at the mere idea. Eric lifted an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course… Just, stay back, and— and don’t touch me.”

Chapman lifted his hands on the air, as if to prove he was obeying. But there was a sickening pity in his eyes.

“It was a bad nightmare, then,” he said as kindly as he could. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Even he cringed at how quickly his response came.

“C’mon,” Eric moved a bit closer, not quite touching him but activating his fight or flight reflex, “it might help you to unwind after—”

“I said step back, Chapman!”

Eric retreated as if he’d been hit, and Rudyard knew that would be what gave him away. Ever since they started dating, in every moment they were alone, Rudyard had rarely called him by anything other than his name.

“Sorry, uh, Eric,” he sighed. “Just… difficult night, I guess.”

“Alright… why don’t we talk about it then?” he asked tentatively. “It’ll make it easier that way. Can I?”

He pointed at Rudyard’s hand, and in spite of himself, the other man nodded. It took him a couple of seconds to realise everything was alright, that there were no dangers surrounding him. It was just Eric, innocently holding his hand, like they’d done for the last five months.

There was nothing to be afraid of.

_Except the crushing weight of the unavoidable truth._

“I was hopping this happened rather later than sooner.”

“There’s no time like the present!” Eric cheered on, still managing to sound positive even with his barely-awake voice.

Rudyard pursed his lips, deciding against meeting Eric’s gaze and instead looking down at their joint hands.

“I’ve lied to you, Eric. Or, well, I _hid_ something from you. Something that’s, uh, important.”

“Okay…” Rudyard could hear the frown in his voice. “And what is it?”

“You know how there are these things that couples do, where they touch each other in some places, put some stuff in other stud, but in a sexy way? Like in Antigone’s films?”

“Yeah?” Eric said, sounding still a little confused.

“Well, I don’t want to do that,” Rudyard rapidly said. “As in, ever.”

Chapman’s frown deepened, looking quite lost.

“Wait, do you mean like…?” he said, thinking for a second until he stared at Rudyard with way too awake eyes. “Oh.”

“Yes,” he answered, retrieving his hand. “Oh indeed.”

Rudyard wasn’t ashamed to say he was a selfish man. But for a reason he knew very well, being selfish with Eric pained him to a new extent. He was aware that he wasn’t technically forcing the man into a relationship, but hiding this relevant fact just so Eric wouldn’t dump him was in itself a very selfish choice.

“And I know that I was wrong in doing so,” he continued. “I even understand if you’d like to end our ‘agreement’ for that…”

“Sorry, end our what?”

“But I’d prefer if you could accept my situation, above all. Believe me, there’s nothing you can say or do to—” he stuttered, memories of clenched muscles and dark looks returning, “—to fix it. Or well, me. You can’t help me.”

“Hang on,” Chapman frowned, shaking away with his head the remaining sleep fuzzing his brain, “that’s, uh, a lot to unpack. First off, do you always refer to our relationship as our ‘agreement’?”

“… _Maybe?_ ”

Eric snorted. “Sure. As for the other stuff… it’s okay. Really, I— I don’t mind.”

Rudyard felt like his chest had received a blow.

“Oh… okay.” He started to remove himself from the sheets. “If it has to be like this…”

“Rudyard, wait.” Eric surged forward, grabbing the other man softly by the wrist. “I don’t think I was clear enough.”

He brought him back to bed, a kind and open smile showing he had nothing to be afraid of.

“What I meant is that it’s okay; I don’t mind not, uh, doing that, if that’s what you want.”

Rudyard lifted an eyebrow.

“So… you don’t mind not having sex?”

“Oh, thank god you said it,” Eric chuckled with relief. “I was worried I’d taken it all wrong and embarrassed myself.”

But Rudyard wasn’t listening. Some wire must have snapped inside his brain because there was no other explanation to how still he sat after Eric’s words. They couldn’t be true, no one in their right mind would indulge him with that stupid request, not even someone as nice as Chapman. It had to be a scam.

“You’re lying to me,” Rudyard squinted his eyes. “Aren’t you?”

Eric’s smile fell from his face. “No. No, I’m not. Why would I-?”

“Oh aren’t you, now?” he crossed his arms, suddenly wanting to flee from the room. “Aren’t you saying this so you can make me change my mind later? To convince me with your charms or- or lure me into trying it out to see how wrong I am?”

“Is that what the nightmare was about?”

Stupid Chapman and his worried blue eyes. Rudyard could feel his body disarming under the weight of his stare.

“Oh dear,” Eric murmured.

He opened his arms, but didn’t pull him into the hug that both of them knew he needed. It wasn’t an imposition; it was an offer. Desperate for any form of comforting contact, Rudyard curled his body against Eric’s. Upon seeing himself trapped in his arms, Rudyard’s insides began to turn, his muscles clenching again. It took a couple of well-intentioned strokes along his back to get him to relax.

“I wouldn’t do that to you.” Eric’s breath blew some strands of hair above Rudyard’s forehead. The movement alone sent shivers down his spine. “Wouldn’t dream of it. You know that, right?”

As a response he hid his face in Eric’s old t-shirt. It was nothing like the silk fabric he’d dreamed with. It belonged to a completely different person. It was soft, and felt like home. Not like the person that had… The one that had…

“Yes,” he said through barely moving lips. “I think I do.”

Eric rose one of his hands to run his fingers through Rudyard’s hair, tan skin surely contrasting with the black locks.

“I don’t know what kind of person your mind has shown you while you were asleep, but it wasn’t me. I swear, I’d never force you into anything you wouldn’t want to do.”

“I know _that_.” Rudyard allowed himself to close his eyes just to savour Chapman’s soft-spoken words. “What I don’t get is _why_?”

“Because…” the other faltered, taken aback by the question, “because I want to make you feel comfortable?”

“Yes, figured that myself, thank you very much. But isn’t that too much to ask?” Rudyard mumbled into the fabric. “Isn’t that the ‘ultimate stage of a relationship’ or something? What everyone’s supposed to aspire to?”

Saying he was confused was an overstatement. Rudyard felt like a child again, looking at his father’s disappointed scowl even if he thought he’d got it all right. Turns out he still got most things wrong.

“Hmm,” Eric’s ribs vibrated with his hum. “There it is.”  
“What?”

“The point we disagree on. You see, I don’t think sex is this ‘milestone’ that every couple should reach.”

“You don’t?” He moved apart, if only to check there was no lie in Eric’s eyes. But his gaze remained honest, all while the hand that had previously been touching his hair came to cradle the mortician’s cheek.

“No. I mean, yeah, sex is a part of a couple’s intimacy,” Eric shrugged, “but there’s a bit of that in other things too. Other ways to be intimate.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

Chapman blew a short laugh. “Well, for starters, we might not have sex, _but_ , I do know stories of your childhood that no one else apart from Antigone has ever known.”

Rudyard snorted. “Even her wasn’t aware of some of those.”

“You see?” Eric encouraged. “You allowed me to see sides of you that no one else in Piffling Vale knows. You can’t deny there’s intimacy on that.”

“I suppose,” he rolled his eyes.

“And there’s more,” the other continued. “We take care of each other in ways others can’t. I get to tell you when you’re self-sabotaging yourself, and you get to tell me when I’m overdoing something—”

“You mispronounced ‘showing off’.”

“ _Even_ ,” Eric said, ignoring the interruption, “when everyone else praises me for it.”

“I guess it’s nice to have someone with common sense,” Rudyard murmured.

“M-hm,” he nodded, leaning closer without being invasive. Eric’s voice went softer as he said, “We keep stuff to ourselves too. If I recall correctly, you only call me by my name when we’re alone.”

Rudyard felt his face heat up as he searched for an excuse.

“I have a reputation to maintain!”

“And if that wasn’t enough, you’re the only one that makes me forget all the stuff that happened…”

“ _A long time ago_ ,” the both of them said in unison, Eric with his trademark enigma and Rudyard with a fond eye-roll.

“See? You get it!”

The undertakers laughed, with Eric leaning into Rudyard’s shoulder out of pure custom. Rudyard realised with a pleasant surprise that his body was completely relaxed. Not a trace of the previous stiffness haunted him. This brought an easier smile to his lips, one that lasted even after Eric straightened himself.

“But seriously, I…” Chapman snorted. “I don’t mind. I’d prefer having a sexless relationship with a grumpy Rudyard than not having you at all, okay?”

“There’s no need to call me out like that,” Rudyard sniffed. “I’m not that grumpy.”

“Oh, you are. But I love you for that,” Chapman smiled before pointing at him. “Can I?”

He faked annoyance as he moved forward, kissing that stupid grin out of Eric’s face. Innocent hands grabbed the sides of his face, and smiling lips happily stayed where Rudyard felt them comfortable.

While going back to sleep, Eric’s arm firmly securing Rudyard’s waist, he welcomed the beams of moonlight touching his face. In the darkness, with Chapman’s small snores rolling in the background, Rudyard felt safe again. And after making sure Eric was still here —with his messy hair, old clothes, and perfect looks hid under his eyelids— he let his eyes fall shut again.


End file.
